Baby, They Ain’t Gonna Change.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
Maya Angelou

The season finale of Sex and The City had me so angry. Namely, Mr. Big had an awakening. He realized that, after all, he was in love with Carrie.  And, he rescued her from the mean artist ballerina guy. All the viewers received the message: If I wait this out they’ll change for me. 

NO!

I loved that show. I lived on that show. I wore out my VHS tapes watching that show. That finale was a bag of BS! (well, now the show is 20 years old and quite dated)

In many ways, I’ve dedicated my life to the belief that people can change. I know that with a lot of hard work, improved insight, self-awareness, loving support, and on occasion, a damn good therapist (sometimes medication) – you can absolutely change your life. Let me also mention, it takes a lot of humility to employ all the necessary components to set your life on a different track.

This post is dedicated to the people waiting on a certain person in their life to change. “If they just change/realize/see how much I mean to them.” Please stop doing that. Your sweet life is too short to waste waiting on another person to do anything to make you happy. If they wanted to change, they would. It is that simple. It is also that hard to grasp. We like to complicate things as a way to avoid the truth. If a person wants to change their life, they will change their life. There are stages of change but we can talk about that on a different day.

What if I leave and I never know if they could be the person I need them to be?

My response: Are they the person you need them to be right now? No? Have you told them what you need and nothing changes? Yes?  And they still didn’t change? ….

It’s that simple.

I use the phrase comfortably uncomfortable a lot. This means that your current situation is not what you want it to be, but you are too scared to do something different. So, you stay thinking, praying, and hoping that it will change.

Truth: your situation will not change unless you do something different. Your happiness is your responsibility and no one else’s.

Sometimes you have to shake up situation and step out for awhile. Let the person know that your words and actions are consistent. You need (and deserve) certain things from a relationship and if the other person can not give you those things, you need to not be in that relationship. Then, you need to follow through on this statement. The more you threaten someone that you’ll leave if they don’t give you what you need, the less they trust your words and the less you trust yourself.

This does not mean you have to end things, but you do have to make the situation uncomfortably uncomfortable to see if that brings about change. Sometimes this works and sometimes it does not. The best shot you have is to align your actions and your words. If you say this is not working and do nothing but complain, the other person simply stops listening to you. Truthfully, the situation might be working just fine for them, so why would they change?

I can tell you for sure what does not bring about change: badgering someone, threatening them, texting/calling incessantly, begging or crying for them to pay attention to you, name-calling, telling friends and family, and airing your troubles on social media.

It boils down to this: Tell the person what you need and pay attention to what they do, not what they say (talk is so cheap my loves). If they don’t give you what you need, you have a choice to make: accept the relationship as it is or change your situation.

Love.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
Rumi

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