It’s Not Working And I’m Failing.

“I’m very comfortable being right,” she admitted.
 
“We all are. But sometimes it’s a lonely place.”
Susan Mallery, Sweet Trouble

I’m struggling in an area of my life and I found myself professing to my partner:

“I’m doing this and I’m doing that and I’m running around trying to make this better”

But, what I forgot to add is, I’m doing this and I’m doing that and it’s not working and I feel like I’m failing and I’m scared that if I fail everything will fall apart. More importantly, if I fail, what does that say about my self-worth. Because ultimately, it’s all about my ability to connect with others and not disappoint the people I love.

I think it’s hard for most people to admit that they feel like they’re failing. It’s easier to list all the things I’ve done to make it better. It’s easier (for my ego) to say I’m doing everything I can! It’s hard to hold the “I’m scared I might fail at this and that will mean I’m a failure (and maybe unlovable)” space so we run around like a crazy person or we numb out the feelings.

I don’t sleep well and these thoughts were flooding my mind in the early morning hours. It’s almost like, my ego sleeps, and I am able to access the scared and sad part of me that my ego wakes up and tries to protect with anger and righteous indignation (powerful weapons to drive people away).

It’s hard to admit that I might not be right and that I’m potentially failing at something. But, it’s an honest starting line. Things have a way of working themselves out and I know they will but I’m just not there yet.

And, that’s okay.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

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