I Don’t Know Where My Mom Is.

“You Are My Sunshine”

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away
One of my earliest memories was my mother rocking me and singing “You Are My Sunshine”. It’s no wonder that last night’s episode of This is Us made me cry so hard I landed right into a panic attack (life imitates art, much?). I’ll let you watch the episode and you can figure out the tears pretty quickly.
I haven’t had a mom for more than half of my life. I once told a client this and she immediately started crying. I never shared that with a client again. I realized that my reality was much too heavy for some people people to bear.
My mom isn’t dead or at least I hope she is okay. This is not a rant or rave about being a motherless child. I spent too many years in that place and that’s not healthy for anyone.
Things are as they are and I’ve accepted that reality.
A relative told me she was my greatest gift and I rebuffed such a suggestion. Now I realize what she was talking about and maybe she was right. I had to do a lot of life without the safety net of parents and that has made me chase my dreams like I have no other choice – because I did not have any other choice.
I created a beautiful life, full of beautiful people, and full of love. I have a partially self-manufactured family of my dreams. Bryan and I had a dance party the other night celebrating another accomplishment in our lives.
This is my glorious life.
I think of my mom all the time and I miss her more than I could express. I don’t hate my mother at all, I just wish things could have been different with full knowledge that they can’t be, It makes me deeply sad sometimes – like last night. More often than not, I hope my mom is as loved and as safe as I am. I hope she knows that she gave me wings by taking the rug out from under me and without knowing, gave me one of the greatest gifts in life – bravery.
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Know Where My Mom Is.

  1. How brave and honest in sharing your emotion in this post, Sissy. It makes me aware that however heavy our own emotional moments may be we need to face them, reconcile, and move on as you have done.

    Not everyone has that kind of emotional maturity. I believe your experience and courage in dealing with your past are assets in helping your clients in dealing with their challenges.

    You’re a strong person. And I admire that.

    Liked by 1 person

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