I Can’t Give You What You Need.

Not everyone knows what to do or what to say when life is hard or when life is great.

I saw this happen a lot as a therapist. I would sit with people as they told me about how people vanished during their darkest and brightest hours. I couldn’t understand how someone could leave a person that they love.

Then, my life got hard, and then it got harder, and then it got impossible. While I was in the darkness, I could not understand why and how people could vanish when I needed them the most. I was angry and hurt and mostly sad and scared.

Then life leveled out and I worked through a lot of pain. This work allowed me to see my experience from a different vantage point.

It’s not that most people want to ghost or vanish in situations where they really love the other person. It’s that a lot of people have no idea what to do or what to say when life gets really hard for someone they love. So, they say and do nothing.

I think it’s important to recognize if you are asking the people in your life for things they are incapable of providing you. We’re all built differently. Not everyone knows how or is able to hold the darkness and weight of trauma and pain. But, some people are able and some people will sit with you in the dark pits of hell (e.g., hospitals, court houses, and prisons).

Not everyone knows how to celebrate your success. Some people get to insecure or jealous or uncomfortable when a person owns their light or experiences great joy.

This year I set an intention to forgive myself and forgive others. I don’t know that we can truly forgive ourselves without forgiving others. We’re all so intertwined in this divine mess of things.

Some people will get you, some people will see you, like really really see you. Some people cannot or will not or something like that.

I wish we had permission to say:

“I can’t give you what you need. I don’t know how. Or, I just can’t be there right now. My life is too full. I don’t understand you. I’m scared of how your pain/joy makes me feel.”

But we don’t.

You can’t base your self worth on either. Ultimately, you have to see you. You have to believe you. The rest is frosting on the cake.


P.S. I’m trying to turn this blog into a book but that’s a lot harder than I thought so we’ll see how it all works out.